Unfriending Dick: My first official Facebook breakup

I had my first official Facebook breakup today. No, my husband and I are not breaking up. If that were the case, I’d have much bigger things to be worrying about/taking care of/having complete and total meltdowns about rather than writing about it online. But I did officially break up with someone today on Facebook. This was not a “got annoyed and made a rash decision to unfriend or unfollow someone because they said something annoying.” It’s an election year. If I did that every time I got annoyed, I might be down to about 10 people I actually still see in my feed. This was a “I legitimately and wholeheartedly do not want to be your friend either in the real world or on Facebook anymore” decision.

Without divulging too many specifics, here’s what happened. Said person (for simplicity’s sake, let’s call him Dick) and I were friends as kids. Lost touch for one reason or another. 20 years go by. Thanks to the wonderful world of Facebook, Dick and I become “friends.” We do the normal “liking” of pictures and occasionally commenting on things for a while. Eventually through a random series of events, Dick and I start talking more through private messages and he reveals some serious issues going on in his private life. I listen. I listened a lot. For weeks and weeks and months on end, I listened. I listened. I gave advice. I said the right things. I said the things that needed to be said. I was compassionate. Sometimes I was harsh. I was exactly what I expect a friend to be. Because that’s what I thought we were doing here...I thought that we were redeveloping a friendship as adults.

There were warning signs that perhaps I was wrong about that. It wasn’t even a hindsight thing. I saw them as they happened, but dismissed them because I just assumed that Dick was having a rough time and sometimes said things that just didn’t quite come out right. For example, I could never quite shake the feeling that Dick would only engage in the pleasantries of saying “Hi, how are you?” just because he knew it was the polite way to begin a conversation but never actually wanted to hear what I had to say or even listened if I did bother to respond. It was always just a mere means to an end for him to start talking about his own problems again. Then there was the time that we went out for a couple drinks and I fell into the trap of actually answering the question “So what’s going on with you?” After telling him some stuff going on in my life, his response was “oh, so you have the same normal problems everyone else has? Ok.” Oh, I’m sorry, Dick. Because your problems are more special than mine. That night, instead of telling Dick to go fuck himself like my impulse said, I simply allowed him to start talking about whatever it was that he wanted to discuss and finished my beer. Again, I really thought it had to do with him going through a difficult time and allowed for some tactlessness.

Fast forward to suddenly I don’t hear from Dick anymore. He is suddenly too busy to even say hello. Now don’t get me wrong...I was honestly a little grateful to not constantly hear the whining and complaining and the “mememe”-ness that our conversations generally were. But then guess what happens? Can you figure it out? Yep. You guessed it. All of a sudden, Dick starts posting all of this stuff on Facebook about how wonderful his life is and how he has solved all of his problems and how wonderful life is. How do I find out about these changes? On Facebook. Not through private messages or text messages or in person or on the phone like I had listened for months and months and months to all of the bad stuff. Nope, good stuff, legitimate happy stuff that you would want to tell your friends about...that your friends would be happy for you about...was not something worthy of telling me.

I sat on this for a couple weeks, giving Dick a chance to rectify the situation, but as the days passed without a personal word from him, I got annoyed. Annoyed turned to frustrated. Frustrated turned to the realization that I had been wrong about our “friendship.” We weren’t friends. I was just simply a dumping ground for his shit and his negativity and his problems. I was filling some void and giving him some attention that he apparently needed but we were not friends. Or more correctly, he was not my friend. So the next question was what to do about it. For a couple more days, I just ignored it but continuing to see the “my life is so wonderful and I’m so happy and everything is fabulous posts” just fueled my disgust. Then I thought I could just unfollow his posts so I didn’t have to see it but that didn’t quite seem right either. Then I realized what I had to do. I needed to break up with him.

To be clear, my issue is not that Dick had found happiness and was no longer ridden with the grief I had listened to for months. My issue is that I felt used a dumping ground for all the negative in his life but was not deemed worthy to share in the good. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that the only thing to do was to write him a letter explaining all of this. That’s what I did. I also politely explained that I upon sending this letter to him, I would be unfriending him. I wished him the best but told him that a friendship was two-sided and that it was best for us to part ways. I also offered him the opportunity that if he ever in the future wished to have a real friendship with me, he knew how to contact me. I wrote it and I sent it and I clicked the magic “Unfriend.”

What a wonderful feeling. What a wonderful fabulous freeing feeling. Unfriend. It was like a big beautiful yet subtle “Fuck You.” Yes, I realize that this all was probably a bigger deal to me than it was to Dick because Dick never actually gave two shits about me personally, but I feel great.

So what is the point of all of this? I guess my point is this...we live in such a weird world now where our lives are so co-mingled with social media and I think the concept of friendship has gotten a little blurred. I know it has for me at times. Just because we are “friends” in some imaginary Facebook land does not mean that we are friends in the real world. Just because we even have some private conversations does not mean that we really know each other. Just because we have some drinks together does not mean that I have to put up with every shitty thing that comes out of your mouth. Just because I decided to accept a “Friend Request” from you does not mean that I made a life commitment to you to be your friend or your “friend” or be your personal dumping ground. It also does not mean that I don’t reserve the right to change my mind about our “status.”

I am at the point in my life where I have realized that my time is too valuable and life is too short to waste it in situations that don’t feel right. I have a wonderful group of friends (yes, some of which were re-connects through Facebook) whom I truly value. I know there are people out there who ask me “how are you?” and really legitimately want to know the answer. I know there are people out there who would listen to what’s going on in my life and not demean me by saying my problems are just like anyone else’s. I have friends whom I don’t see often but I still know that we have each other’s backs no matter what and we can pick up right where we left off when we do see each other. I also value myself as a friend. I know that I am a loyal and true and good friend. I know that there are people out there who want my friendship and see it as a precious part of their lives. I also am at the point in my life where I don’t make apologies for my feelings. I realize that there is a possibility that Dick will never really understand or care or agree with the things that I said in my letter but I make no apologies for saying them. They are my feelings and they are valid because they are how I feel. I am not a walking doormat.

Just because I have allowed someone into my life via Facebook does not mean that we are friends. It doesn’t mean that I have to put up with anything that person says or does. It doesn’t mean that I cannot change my mind about allowing that person into my life. Oh and just because Facebook says you’re my friend doesn’t make it true. Friendship is a two way street. A give and take.

Unfriend. It’s there. And I’m not afraid to use it anymore. And tell you exactly why I am using it. In other situations, perhaps a simple un-follow would be the appropriate response. In Dick’s case, I feel like the asshole really needed to hear what I thought. After all the time I spent listening to his drama, I felt he owed me at least the few minutes to read my thoughts. So I wrote and sent and then hit Unfriend. Somewhere in my head I hear that British bitch from that game show from years ago saying “You are the weakest link. Goodbye” as I hit the Unfriend button. What a beautiful and powerful thing.

#Facebook #Friends #Unfriend #Breakup