"The big moments are gonna come"

"Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are. You'll see what I mean." - Whistler, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Becoming Part 1

So I did it. I left my job. That job with that company I had been with for 14 years. I resigned. Finito. Finished. That job that had provided me and my husband and our growing family with a steady paycheck for years. That job that through the recession was always there for me and I never had to worry about being laid off. That job that gave us the financial stability that when we wanted to buy a house we could. But it was also that job from which I so often came home exhausted or upset. That job that at times I didn’t even know anymore what I was supposed to be doing. That job that by the end I knew I couldn’t do anymore.

So I resigned. It wasn’t an easy decision and it’s still not one with which I’m completely comfortable. Why? Well because I don’t have another job. Yes, I quit my job without any plan of what I was doing next. I know that decision is one with which many people are not comfortable. On Christmas Day, my mother-in-law said that she heard I was going to be a “woman of leisure” now. I'm not really sure what that expression means but I told my husband I think it means hooker. My father-in-law talked about how important social security was and how I was no longer paying into it. Hell, my own dad asked me right before my last day if I had changed my mind.

I do understand the reactions. I understand that my decision might make people uncomfortable. It sure makes me uncomfortable too, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't the right decision for me. As a planner by nature, the thought of not knowing what comes next is terrifying. I write obnoxiously detailed grocery shopping lists with notes of which store and price and if I have a coupon. I plan vacations 6 months in advance. I weigh the pros and cons of every decision I make. Not knowing details or specifics terrifies me. Yet at the same time, I know my decision was the absolute right one for me and my family. Of course being a planner, I weighed the pros and cons and talked (and talked and talked and talked and talked) with my husband about what all of this would mean. The bottom line every time around was that it was the right time for me to quit, no matter what. The price was too high for me to stay – the price to our family and to me and to my sanity.

The point of all this is not to bash my former company. Like I said, I was gainfully employed for a long time while many many others could not say the same. My family was able to do many things because of that job. I am very appreciative of that job. Yet the fact remains that it was time to go.

So what changed? In a word - everything. In the past year alone, I had bought a house, moved, and had a baby. I finished my 8 weeks of maternity leave and returned to work and put that same baby in daycare. Then that baby got pink eye. Then he got a respiratory infection and got put on a nebulizer at 3 months old. Then we switched daycare facilities. But for anyone who has had a baby get a respiratory infection so young, you know the drill. Every time that baby gets a cold, it gets into his chest. So then I would get a call from our new daycare facility (which I love by the way) saying that he was coughing or wheezing and I would be an hour away even in the middle of the day because of ongoing construction. Oh yea, that's another thing - my commute sucked. And the list goes on and on. As far as the job goes, I don’t know if I changed or the company changed. It was probably a combination of both. It doesn’t really matter. The end result was the same. I had to go. As the year went on, I realized more and more that I didn’t know what my place was anymore. I wasn’t happy. I had no personal satisfaction in what I was doing. I never felt a sense of accomplishment. Those feelings of unhappiness were carrying over into my personal life. After one particularly bad day, my husband and I talked (again) and a decision was made.

I know a lot of people will read this and think “oh, she has baby brain” or some other version of that. I suppose to some extent that is true. Having the baby did change everything for me. My priorities changed. There was this tiny person completely reliant on me. I’d never had this experience before. My stepson was 5 when I met him so it was completely different. The other major thing that changed for me though was that this tiny person made me so happy. He completed my world in a way I didn't know was possible. But I want to make something clear. I didn’t just quit my job because I wanted to stay home and hang out with my kid. While having extra time with him is awesome, it wasn’t why I quit my job. Here's what I think happened: the highs from being so incredibly happy at home with my family and the lows from where I was at in my work life reached incompatible levels. Having that tiny person who filled me with such joy changed my perception of lots of things. My tolerance for certain things at work was less than it used to be. Suddenly things that I used to be OK with just weren’t OK anymore. Or something that used to seem so important now seemed so trivial in the grand scheme of things. The baby helped put that in perspective. I no longer wanted to just accept the status quo. I wanted to find something to do that meant something to me, that gave me some sense of accomplishment and personal satisfaction. Maybe no one has that in their job. Maybe I'm crazy thinking I can find it. But I swear I talk to other people who really enjoy what they're doing. I see these posts on Facebook from people talking about how happy their job makes them. So after so many years of the same, I knew I wanted something different.

What comes next? I have no idea. I mean, I have some ideas. I have some dreams. But I truly have no clue what comes next. That’s terrifying. Yet at the same time it is exhilarating and exciting and feels exactly right. I keep saying I’m going to start an alpaca farm. Maybe I will. I probably won’t. Who knows? Not me. I will figure it out. It will take me some time. Maybe the next thing I do won’t be my forever path. For the first time in my life I’m OK with not knowing what comes next. I’m OK with being uncomfortable. I’m OK with the uncertainty. I’m OK with knowing that perhaps I will make a misstep or two. I have an amazing family and a very supportive husband who has helped me get to this very difficult crossroads in my life. I know that it’s going to be OK.

So here I go. Maybe some of you reading this can relate to what I'm saying. Maybe you're reading this and thinking "what a complete asshole." Maybe you're somewhere in between. That's OK with me. But if you are so inclined, I invite you to join me on this journey for happiness and personal satisfaction. I don't really know where it's going to lead me. So for now, I'm going to enjoy my family and my life while I try to figure out what the next step is. In the meantime, I'm going to use this space to talk through things or write about things that interest me or rant about things that annoy me. Might be about the job search or about that teething baby I so love or a sports decision I may not agree with. Might be about my family's upcoming trip to Florida - because nothing says "path to self discovery" like a visit to see Mickey Mouse. Could be any number of things. And maybe, just maybe, it will all help me figure out whatever it is that comes next.