Stop Clowning Around, Assholes

It’s been kind of hard to avoid this clown thing over the past few weeks. I turn on the news and there it is, I go on Facebook there are the clowns. Videos of them, pictures of them, emails from schools talking about taking threats of clowns seriously. Clowns clowns everywhere.

I’ve got to be honest with you. I’ve never really understood the whole “fear of clowns” thing. I’ve always thought clowns were pretty dumb and never paid them much attention, no matter what kind. I read Stephen King’s It and watched the movie at an age that was probably almost too young to read and watch it but I was never scared by it. If anything, I was just amused. I’ve never been big on the circus or those guys that go around at diners making balloon animals for kids. There was that one Halloween as a kid that I actually was a clown but that was just unfortunate mistake. But yea, scary clowns? Never really a thing to me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not making fun of those who are afraid of clowns. I get it. The face. The makeup. The smile. The anonymity of the clown. All I’m saying is that it has never bothered me.

Until recently. This recent outbreak of “creepy clown sightings” has really freaked me out. The first time I heard anything about it I was at a painting class with a friend and some people were talking about it. I thought “oh clowns, they’re stupid, whatever” and didn’t think any more about it. But then within the next few days and weeks, it was like everywhere I turned, clowns clowns clowns. So I started paying attention.

A quick Google search turned up information about these clown sightings in at least 13 states at this point. It started with some sightings in the woods that may have been tied to some movie promotion gag, then on to other sightings in the woods in other places, then kids spotting clowns or being lured by clowns, and eventually we ended up with someone in a clown mask being stabbed here in Pennsylvania. Then started the threats to schools. Clowns were going to show up to lists of schools and terrorize the students. Police forces all over the place are putting resources into investigating these claims. The FBI and Homeland Security have even gotten involved in some cases. Then the best part...the news starts coming out that teenagers are responsible the threats made to schools. 13 year olds making up clowns to terrorize schools. Huh? Crazy fucked up shit.

I don’t mean to say that I’m suddenly scared of clowns but there is something seriously wrong with our society and it disturbs me. Why clowns? Why now? Why has this myth spread like wildfire across the country? I have a few thoughts on the subject. First, it’s getting close to Halloween and there always seems to be an uptick in weird/paranormal/spooky activity around October as people get ready for the holiday. But these sightings began all the way back in August so that doesn’t seem to be it. Second, I think everyone loves a good urban legend. I think every area in the country probably has some version of the haunted house story or the girl who drowned in the lake and now haunts the road around the lake. We all love a good scary story that we can pass along as “I know someone that this happened to” or “my cousin’s best friend’s uncle’s friend was there that night.” There’s a reason why urban legends spread and I think that “creepy clowns lurking in the woods” has all the right urban legend elements. Third, it’s election season and we all know that the two candidates from the major parties are perhaps the least liked candidates we’ve ever had. I’ve heard them referred to as all sorts of names including, you guessed it, CLOWNS. So perhaps the constant mention of the clowns who are running for president gave way to this proliferation of clown sightings around the country. Perhaps the clowns are like a giant metaphor for our whole political system. Life imitating art. Or art imitating life. Either way.

Regardless of what has caused this proliferation of clown stories around the country, I think we’d all like to see them stop. I’m over it. It’s not funny. It’s not scary (at least not in the horror movie scary kind of way...in the “what the fuck is wrong with our society that our kids are threatening their schools with clowns” kind of way, it’s terrifying). It’s not clever. It’s not cool.

So here is what I have to say to the “clowns.”

1) If you are a grown ass adult who is dressing up like a clown and lurking in the woods at night to try to scare people, grow the fuck up. Go get a life. Get a hobby. Join a bowling league. Go find something better to do with your time. You’re an idiot.

2) If you are a teenager who is threatening your school with clowns, get over it. Whatever your issue is, you are not the first teenager to have it nor are you the last. What you’re doing is not funny. It’s going to get you into some deep shit that you’re going to have a hard time getting out of. If your plan was to get out of going to school, you might accomplish that by getting arrested, so well done there. If you need to talk to someone about something, please do. Talk to a friend, a parent, a guidance counselor. Do not call clown threats into your school or post them on social media. I guarantee you whatever problems you are having will not get better when everyone at your school finds out what you did.

3) If you are a parent of a teenager who is threatening schools with clowns, do a better fucking job of knowing that is going on with your kid. Because seriously that kid is craving some kind of attention or needs some help. Get your kid the help he or she needs.

4) If you’re planning on going out on clown witchhunts, do yourself a favor and just go to the bar instead. Or the library. Or grocery store. Or anywhere but what you’re about to do. First of all, you’re unlikely to find anything. Secondly, a mob mentality never helped anything. You’re more likely to end up hurting an innocent person that actually finding a clown to clobber.

5) If you are making fake videos or setting up fake scenarios to perpetuate this urban legend, go find something better to do with your time. Go to film school. Go make porn instead. A little porn never hurt anyone. But this clown shit is going to get someone hurt. So seriously, just go find something else to film or make up.

6) If you are planning to be a clown for Halloween this year, you may want to rethink that as an option. Whether your intention was to be a happy clown or a creepy one, I think the current clown climate is one where you’re going to be looked at apprehensively and it’s not worth it. Go pick another costume. Oh, and if you were intending to go out on Halloween dressed as a clown to continue this creepy clown nonsense and to scare people, you’re just a douche. Stay home.

Like I said, I’m over it. I’m tired of hearing about clowns. Clowns are dumb. People going around dressed up like clowns are dumb. And if this shit does not stop, I’m afraid people are going to get seriously hurt or killed. Mass hysteria is never a good thing and this epidemic of clowns is reaching mass hysteria proportions. So let’s hope that the clowns take my advice and go find something better to do with their time. Then we can all move onto paying attention to more important things...like the election...or what Lady Gaga will wear at the Superbowl Halftime Show. You know, important stuff.

#clowns #creepyclowns #Halloween